


Mirrored Shadows

by Sashataakheru



Category: The Chaser RPS
Genre: Community: 50kinkyways, Gender Confusion, Other, POV Second Person, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-16
Updated: 2010-01-16
Packaged: 2017-10-06 08:21:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/51627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashataakheru/pseuds/Sashataakheru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Craig has a female side and she likes dressing up with Julian. But things are never that simple, not for Craig.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mirrored Shadows

**Author's Note:**

> Written for 50kinkyways at livejournal for the prompt 'cross-dressing'.

You've never been accused of being modest. You blame your vanity for why you're standing in front of the mirror again in the darkness, staring at your own reflection, while he stands behind you, smiling, his arms around you tightly. You love this feeling, this disguise. You love being able to pass as a girl with no real trouble at all, and a damn fuckable girl at that.

“She knows, doesn't she? Your wife, I mean,” Julian murmurs against your neck.

“Yeah, she knows, but she doesn't understand. Hell, even I don't understand it. I look at myself and it's me, but it's not me. I become someone else, and that someone loves being in your arms. She … She wants to live, Julian, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to let her. She's sad about that,” you murmur back, looking at her in the mirror.

“At least she gets this. It's better than nothing. She knows I love her, doesn't she?” Julian says.

“She does, and she's grateful. I don't know what we'd do without you,” you say.

“I do what I can. You look beautiful, as always. Will she ever have a name?” Julian says.

“No. I can't name her. Then she'll come to life properly, and I need to be able to control her,” you say, and you see her look at you, begging for existence.

“I like to think you'll be able to let her out one day,” Julian says.

“Maybe,” you murmur, not convinced.

But then again, you're not even sure you want to let her out for good. You're not her, not all the time. She's a strange part of you, fragmented and incomplete, and you entertain her desires, but give her nothing. It all adds to your vain ego, that you can pass so well as a woman. She makes you arrogant and proud of how you look. But she isn't you, not really.

“Why is she here? I don't want her, not all the time. I need to be able to not be her, you know?” you murmur, watching her disappear and only see yourself staring back at you once more.

“Doubting your masculinity again?” Julian says.

“Something like that. I don't know why she's here. She confuses me. I'm not normal, am I?” you say.

“No one's normal, Craig. Would you really feel better if she didn't exist?” Julian says.

“I'm not so sure anymore. I like her. But sometimes I wish she wasn't there. Do people know? Can they see her too?”

“I can see her, but that's because you've shared her with me. I don't know if anyone else can see her though. I've never seen you act feminine apart from our time together now. And when you're messing around in drag for the show. Don't worry, there's still a man in there to keep that girl at bay.”

Julian hugs you tight and you melt into his arms. She loves being in his arms. You do too, when she lets you enjoy it. You sometimes wonder if Julian really understands, but then you can't expect him to understand something you barely understand yourself.

  
She first turned up unexpectedly one day as you got ready to prance around as a woman again for the show. You looked in the mirror to see what you looked like. You could feel the blonde wig tickling the back of your neck. You were surprised at the subtle change in behaviour now that you were in drag, and looking mighty beautiful to boot. Your reflection staring back at you had a curious look in her eye. It wasn’t you anymore. It was her. You’d given her life, and she had no intention of being buried. It occurred to you that this was more than just getting into character. She was totally different to that.

“Who are you?” you asked, as if she could answer.

She seemed to smirk back at you, and then she was gone, as if she’d never existed in the first place.

“Oi, Reuy, finished gazing at your reflection? We do have a sketch to shoot, remember?” Chris said as he came up behind you and rested a hand on your shoulder.

“Oh, yeah, right. Sorry. I was miles away,” you said apologetically, giving the mirror a final glance as you let Chris lead you away, wondering who she was and why she'd turned up.

  
You hadn't paid her any further attention until she turned up again, this time away from the cameras and your friends and everyone else. You were just brushing your teeth when you looked up to see her staring back at you, grinning wickedly. You yelped in fright and backed away from the basin as she grinned at you.

It took you a few minutes to stop staring at her, by which time your wife had called to you, wondering whether you were alright. You'd managed to reassure her you were fine and continued staring at her in the mirror.

“Who are you? Why are you here?” you ask, as if she can answer you.

She merely smirks and vanishes, as if she'd never existed in the first place. You run to the mirror, searching for her, but see nothing but your own reflection.

“Okay, I must be going crazy,” you decide and try to forget what just happened, dismissing it as, well, something crazy.

  
When she turned up the next time you were in drag, you knew she wasn't going away this time. She spoke to you. Inside your mind, of course. She took over. Afterwards, you were complimented on how well your girl performance had been. Your ego glowed with pride and her presence was suddenly most appreciated. You were shallow like that.

You remembered to thank her that night before you fell asleep. You could feel her smile and mirror your own pride. Suddenly, you liked having her around, and she turned up again whenever you needed to be female, and eventually, whenever she wanted to come out to play as you got to know her and learned to control her.

  
Distracting you, Julian's hands run down your slender frame. When she's around, you're more aware than ever of your effeminate body. The dress you're wearing doesn't help matters. The material is slick and tight against your skin, clutching to your body snugly. You hadn't added fake tits for once. Julian wanted to see you without them. You're also in heels instead of boots. You'd managed to find some that fit and worked with your feet. Heels always made you walk differently. You had stockings on to make your legs look even more feminine. Your make-up is subtle, yet softens your face even more. You've used mascara for once and it makes your eyes look heavenly. You’ve gone for a long light brown wig this time, letting the loose hair tumble down your shoulders, bereft of styling.

Julian's kissing your neck now, his hands slinking inside your dress where your tits usually are. She's back again, you can feel her. Julian's touch always brings her out like this. The arousal is always strange. It's never yours. It's always hers. It feels different to when you get aroused. Only when she's around do you love being fucked as a woman. You submit to Julian, make him fuck your arse, and she mewls in pleasure as you writhe beneath his touch. You never undress. She won't allow it. She wants to be fucked while still clothed, while you're lying on your stomach on the bed, gripping onto the sheets as Julian shoves your dress up your body and pushes inside you.

You feel both vulnerable and protected, weak and strong, male and female. You wish you knew how to identify yourself. You’re a man, always have been, even though you’re not afraid to cry. You _are_ effeminate, in spite of your protestations. You have an androgynous face and a woman’s arse. No wonder she came to life.

“What the hell am I?” you say. She smirks back at you, offering nothing.

“Whatever you want to be,” Julian says.

“That's not helpful, you know,” you say. “I got kids, Jules. I gotta be a good father for them. How can I do that when she's around?”

“I think you're being too hard on yourself. You're already a good father. Her presence doesn't seem to have affected things, has it?” Julian says.

“But I'm hiding this side from them. They don't know I have this feminine side to me. I'm not even sure I ever want them to know about her,” you say, unable to look at her out of shame.

“Are you that obsessed with being a real man to them?” Julian says.

“Part of my vanity, would you believe. I don't want them growing up to be effeminate queers,” you say with a laugh. “I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just, you know, you want them to not get beaten up all the time, even though you want them to be decent human beings.”

“I think you're worrying about this too much,” Julian says. “Why can't she just be a part of you? Or does she need to be masculinised before you can ever accept her?”

“I wish I had an answer. I feel like I need to be strong for them, you know? I'm the one they look up to. What are they going to think when they see they've got an effeminate half-man for a father? It's just not right. They can never know about her,” you say.

“The world doesn't need any more brutes, you know. You should know that better than anyone. Be a real man and bring your kids up to be better than that,” Julian says.

“That won't mean prancing around in a dress, will it?” you say.

“Only if you think it necessary. I don't know. Maybe they'd benefit from having a father who willingly prances around in dresses for them,” Julian says.

“Okay, now you're not being serious anymore,” you say, turning around to poke him in the ribs.

“Is that a problem, Craig?” Julian says with a grin.

“Not really. I think we need to lighten the mood, don't you think?” you say as she slips back inside again. You're fiddling with his tie now, looking up at him through coy eyes.

“I think you need to learn to stop being so hard on yourself. Does any of this matter? Really?” Julian says, giving you a reassuring smile.

“Probably not. I'm still totally hot though,” you say, as she grins wickedly.

“Can I maul you already? I want to get my hands inside that dress of yours,” Julian says, and you can see the lust in his eyes.

“My kids are definitely not hearing about this part. Ever,” you say as Julian brings you into his arms, nibbling on your neck as his hands snake up your back and make you shiver.

You can almost see the look of ecstasy on her face as Julian kisses you. He slowly brings you over to the bed, gently lying you down as his tongue explores your skin. His strong hands brush over your shoulders, slipping the straps down and revealing your chest. He's kissing you gently, leaving soft bite marks on your skin. His tongue is twirling around your nipples and he gently sucks them. You writhe and gasp, drowning in his touch. She's letting herself be undressed. This is a new development. Is she growing too big for her boots?

You don't care, in the end. Your legs are wound tightly around Julian's waist, holding him close as he fucks you slowly. It takes a while to realise that she's gone. It's not her taking over your body for once. All the pleasure belongs to you. Julian sucks on your neck hard, leaving marks of ownership. You wonder if he knows she's gone.

You whisper it to him as you're snuggled in his arms afterwards. He doesn't say anything, but smiles at you and seems to understand as he kisses you. You take his hand in his, meshing your fingers together. You feel safe for once.

“I think I need to show her, Jules. She might understand then,” you murmur into the darkness.

“Keisha’s never seen her? I thought she had,” Julian says.

“No. She’s never seen her. She caught me trying on a dress, but she’s never seen her. Sometimes I wonder if I’m not just some fucked up cross-dresser more than anything else,” you say.

“You can’t expect her to understand it when you still don’t though. Maybe wait a while until you’ve got a better idea. What did you tell her, anyway?” Julian says.

“That I have a she and she likes dressing up. I couldn’t find the words for any other explanation. It took me about ten minutes to make her understand that she wasn’t all of me, just a part of me that liked coming out sometimes. I was still the man she loved, but there was another side, a she, and she needed attention too. She took it better than I had anticipated though. She immediately pointed out that the dress I had was totally wrong for me and showed me a better one. I’d like her to see her, when she’s all dressed up. I think it’s only fair, since she lets me do this,” you say.

“Does she know we fuck? Or does she just know we get together while you play with dresses, heels and make-up?” Julian says.

“I couldn’t bring myself to tell her about the sex. I was too ashamed of the dresses to get to the sex. I don’t know what she thinks we do together. Maybe she does think we fuck. But then your wife doesn’t know about any of this, does she?” you say.

“No, she doesn’t. I probably should tell her, but I never bothered because I didn’t think it was my place to explain it all,” Julian says.

“Yeah, we’re such good husbands, aren’t we?” you say with a grin.

“So good I’m going to ravish you again, sweetheart,” Julian says.

You smile eagerly as he descends on your body again, his movements tender and sweet this time. Your hands stroke down his neck and across his shoulders. He’s solidly built, so unlike your own body. It’s that power that you love, the way he can pin you down and hold you still and dominate you by sheer strength, even though you’re the one in charge. And you are in charge. You know she’s still around, but she’s letting you have your fill. And that’s when you find your strength, and roll him over to pin him down instead. You don’t get fucked like a woman. She does. You take charge and make Julian your bitch. You’re done with the passivity of the way she likes being fucked. Now it’s your turn.

The sudden surge of energy takes you by surprise a little, though it’s even more surprising to Julian as he finds himself on his back, staring up at you. Now you’re the one leaving possessive bite marks on his chest as you have your way with him, and he just has to look at your mischievous smile to know what he’s in for.

“I see she’s disappeared now,” Julian says.

“Damn straight. You’re mine now,” you say, all that feminine nicety gone alone with her. Fuck being gentle and softly spoken. That’s her thing. You’re not like that at all, and Julian knows it.

He yelps as you bite his collar bone, sucking hard on his neck. You know exactly where to tease him. Chas had told you exactly where Julian loved being touched, not that Julian knew that. But by the time you have him whimpering with need, it doesn’t matter.

You’re about to push inside him when you hear your phone ringing. You hesitate. You never turn it off in case you’re needed. The father in you makes you do it. You look back at Julian before scrambling over to pull your phone out of your jeans, answering it as you lie half-off the bed, a hand propping you up.

“Yeah? Something up?… No, no, we weren’t busy. It’s okay… Oh, really?… Alright, fine, I’ll be there as soon as I can… Yeah, love you too, hon.” It’s short and sweet, but you get the point. Playtime’s over.

“You going to leave me hanging, are you?” Julian says.

“No, I’m gonna give you a quick fuck, get cleaned up and get out of here. I’ll compensate you properly next time,” you say, crawling back over to him, leaving your phone on the floor.

“Now that’s what I like to hear,” Julian says, turning over onto his back for you.

You make good on your promise, and soon you're showering, dressing and giving Julian a final kiss before you leave. You pause for a moment to properly put her clothes away. Julian watches you. She must be treated with respect. Everything is folded and hung and placed in its drawer gently and with the utmost care.

Soon, there is no trace of her existence. The cupboards and drawers are locked and the keys slipped into your jeans pocket. You take one final look in the mirror and see traces of her still, smiling at you gratefully. Your fingers reach out to meet hers, the cold glass stopping you touching. You whisper your goodbyes and leave her behind, waiting for another day when you can let her out again, as Julian shows you out, watching you both leave and wishing you could both stay instead.


End file.
